Southern , Sassy, & Classy

2012-02-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

So I have decided I really wanna lose 30 lbs. I have been on this wagon before and have lost but have never actually got down to where I wanna be physically and health wise. I have struggled my whole life with my weight I was always a chunky kid and even when I wasn’t fat I thought I was a complex ive had forever. Im bigger built I have wide shoulders not necessarlly the little petite build I would like to have. So it has become my obsession now. Everything I put in my mouth I think of it going into my body. Im working out at least once 5 days a week for an hour and some days twice a day. Usually doing 4 miles on the elypitical and working the different parts of my body on the other machines at the gym. So I have decided to log my weight loss in my blog thinking this might help keep me motivated. My boyfriend and I are supposed to be going to mexico for 5 days in may for my birthday in june. So by this time I would like to have reached my goals that gives me around 11 weeks. So if you have interest in helping me or watching me succeed run along with me J ! Ill start first thing in the morning! Im taking these shakes trying to do twice a day, but it is at least once a day. Its bodybyvi/lizwaldon and just trying to watch what I eat and not drink so much wine ! I love wine tho! So hopefully we see an awesome transformation!!

A little Piece for me

2012-02-23T14:12:00.000-08:00

So lately ive really been trying to do thing for me, to make me feel better. ive been working out for an hour a day 5 days a week. tanning taking weight loss shakes. Im fixing to start blogging on my weight loss journey. but in the mean time this is what i have taken a likin to lol

Random Thoughts I have Learned About Me Lately

2012-02-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

Things ive learned about me lately:

Upon this last year and a lot along the lines of while im dating Courtney, I have learned a lot about myself. Things I kinda knew where confirmed, things I had no idea were revealed. I found im a social butterfly and I love to entertain. I miss having the opportunities I used to have to throw a party /shin dig at my house I really like that. I love being surrounded by people who care about me and my children. I enjoy discussing my kids and the little things they do compared to other people and their children. I enjoy making my baby belly giggle and ready a book every night to my oldest son. I love making mixed drinks. I’m enjoying learning to cook things and see how others think they taste. I’m learning im a giver not a taker as jay always claimed I was. I love the suspense of giving a gift and seeing the reaction from it. I’ve also learned about me that just a little more effort of being nice can go along way along with the tone of your voice and how something is said. I’ve also learned lately that u can love someone more than they love you back. I’ve learned how much compromise is involved in a successful realonship and the fact that I really do miss being a family unit. I miss knowing that someone out there is on my side and that I don’t plan on being alone forever. Upon all this ive allowed my brain to realize what my heart has already known that im not as strong as I think I am. Im afraid of total commitment im afraid to combine lives again. I’m afraid of losing, afraid of defeat. The fear of losing and starting over consumes my mind a lot when it comes to my realonship now and later. The future for me is foggy and for the first time in my life I can say I don’t have a plan with someone. Im leading this path with the guidance of faith in the lord I don’t have anyone by me with me beside me. I never feel like its Us against them. (because that I haven’t figured out yet ) I have learned I tend to obligate myself to too many people and things. I’ve learned im never gonna be happy with my body if I don’t make it a Priority. I’ve learned if I don’t set time aside for myself that everyone around me will notice. I’ve learned I love it when im looked in the eye and told I love you I love being spun around the dance floor and feeling like no one else is in the room with us. I’ve learned Love is work, its not always perfect.. But if its worth it.. You’ll do everything it take to try to make it last. I know that was just rambling but it was all thoughts that were running crazy thru me today.

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

2012-02-03T12:28:00.000-08:00

Say What You Mean , Mean What You Say.

So lately I have filled everyone in on my life and how its changed for the better and I still feel that way. I have a lot to be thankful for. I still feel blessed everyday I wake up hug my children drive my car and come to a job I enjoy. But this is my dilemma. Im just not satifsifed. Some days I am and some days I want more more more and I feel like something HUGE is missing in my life. Church ….. yes I know I need more time devoted to church and I do try to make it a priority. I should put more in tho. BUT I feel like most of my time Im lookin for something more. Im so totally in love with Courtney that its consuming me.. Like hes my every other thought I want to be with him all the time. But I have so much anxiety towards him and with him it like panics me. Somedays I feel like hes just as in love with me as I am him an then other days he says stupid things that make me feel he just waits for the end. Like he could just walk away with no problem. Never hurt - never affected -never phased. And me I look at big picture. Like could I spend the rest of my life with him how would it be, will we make it there’s always the fear of the unknown. He gives me this feeling.. this feeling ive never had like a yurning for satisfaction a hunger for all he can give me. Not material wise but emotional love wise. With Jay my ex I cant say I ever had this same feeling I feel like with courntey. I walked away from jay with our kids because it wasn’t worth it to me. I feel like anything that comes between me n Courtney is worth working out cause we are worth it. And Courtney says things all the time that make me think he thinks we are worth it then its like the little stabs he says that makes me think otherwise .. is this a defense mechanism he uses because he was so hurt 4 years ago from his divorce. I mean all I hear about is how special I am to be in his life how it means so much hes never been like the way he is with me etc.. but then he says things like, I am just waiting till u find something better and leave me.. What do I do to give him the security hes looking for? I want him.. no and however long he’ll have me and I tell him so but he’s so jaded he just dosent have any faith in anything. He tells me theres nothing I wouldn’t do for you etc.. and he does try to do little things for me cause I honeslty do believe he does love me. So for now Im just taking it day to day trying to make each minute with him special and memorable. But im just not sure where I am in life. Things finally feel better – finally don’t feel like the worlds gonna fall down ontop of me where is my satisfaction where is the complete puzzle. I look at Jessica and adam here ( the girl I work with ) shes so happy in her life so complete her husband loves her dearly and her him and they just have the security, the stability the love that ive always wanted but never had. When is it my turn to feel that way. What or where am I going wrong or hitting the wrong button. All I ever wanted when I grew up was to be a family something I didn’t have when I grew up. To be someone’s wife to be someone’s wife who just cant live without me. To be the mom others wish they had the mom that reads to her kids the mom who gets to take her kids here and there and do fun stuff with them without constantly being stressed. To know that the man laying next me to I find attractive funny and I CANT live without him the man that I want to be my best friend my protector the one I talk to and lean on and give that back too. All these things that im missing In my life. I just don’t know when ill get to my ticket. Sorry for the mindless rant just needed to get a few things off my chest. I just don’t really know whats next with him. Am I wasting my time and setting myself up for chaotic disaster and heartache or is this something I need to water and see if it will grow.

Here Lately

2012-01-30T13:56:00.000-08:00

A little note from my world

So whats been going on in this world of mine.Are u ready for this.. NO really your not.

Ok so last I blogged I was all torn over brandin etc.. Well since this life has taken a very interesting wonderful turn. I have moved out into an apt. with just me and the kids and finally have regained my independence back. What a breath of fresh air. I moved in at the end of oct. it was great. Finally feeling like me again. Waking up feeling like the worlds not going to collapse on me daily is so great. Since then I have exclusively started dating a wonderful man named Courtney who I met at work. We met n august here in my office, and kinda had this strange draw to eachtoher I instantly wanted to know more about him. Little did I know he shared the same feeling. After 2 months of him popping in trying to catch me at the office and on facebook and get the nerve to ask me out he finally asked my boss for my number lol.. how funny right. Im the first woman he has ever pursued. He got married at a young age and has been “single” since his divorce. He has 3 boys age 14- 12- and 7 and with my 2 ages 4 years and 8 months. We have a handful lol. But it’s a beautiful chaos. Courtney lives in whitehouse just a few miles from where I work and live and we spend a great amount of time together. Were both something scary and new for eachother he didn’t really plan on falling in love for a long time nor did I after the whole jay thing. But I tell u he has def. swept me off my feet. If I could ever describe our realonship I would compare it to blake and mirandas were best of friends enjoy doing things together. Something that’s new for me ive always wanted my time away.. just me.. but I wanna be with him I wana tell him everything. We still have little things now and then but we don’t fight or argue we just fit groove together. So anyways all is good there. Now onto other things work is good im doing more and more in the office. Still making mistakes whick irritates the crap outta me, its hard sometimes for me to swallow the face that I was the top of the ladder prior and am starting out low again. Not that n e one makes me feel that way just that Im not educated in it. Im slowly learning. The kids are both doing great. Trevor is still driving me crazy arguing with me about everything and im really trying to be patient with him, this move is what he needed hes doing well at daycare and im excited for him to start school in aug. Hudson is full force crawling now and starting to pull up on things. Its amazing how much I love those kids and how they drive me crazy but keep me going. I cant imagine life without them. Im excited to see what the future is going to hold for me its really exciting to be happy in life again and feel like me again. Hopefully I will excel in work love and parenting in 2012. so bring it on. <3

And then...

2011-08-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

Ok so today was ok I suppose work then kids and house cleaning. Now I'm trying to get some blogging in while it's quiet around here. So lately things have changed from good to better or better to worse or just idiling. How can one person b happy and sad. Fulfilled but empty and the affairs of the heart are exhausting. Y wasn't my life simple with things lined out with one man, one love one changing of the last name and the all American family. Am I my own worst enemy who tears myself at the seams? What kind of example will my children see, will they think I'm a failure.. What's gonna happen to us each day I pray lord please help me wOrk hard today and make it one more day. I've never been so far down I just don't know what to do next. Each day is a new day and I have to live for that day and not consider tomm cause the fear consumes me. Jay has been back around, buzzing missing me and the kids . Begs me to come back, after all the pain n hurt n tears he caused me y do I wanna go back?? Did brandin save me from something only to put me in a different kind of worse. I miss my life . I feel Like I'm living someone elses life. I love it out here in the country i love trevors school n I love the peace here. But I miss whitehouse I miss being close to work, I wanted to work towards moving back there and I have the opportunity to live Alone in jays house. But is that what I really want? I really miss the security j gave me like I always had someone in my corner. I'm struggling every day to keep my head above water I have to tell myself every day I have to get out of this bed for my kids. Each day is an effort a struggle to strive and succeed. Can I do this.? Do I have the power... Lord please help me cause .. I don't know where to go from here.

Where i am today

2011-08-11T12:10:00.000-07:00

Ok so today.. is flying by.. as did yesterday. Hudson is still sick.. :/ but he does seem to be making some improvement. Yesterday when i left work i went and met cougar and her sis and sweet little diva princess payton for drinks at the appbeez. a few bahama mamas later i found myself driving home a little emotional after a phone call from my other mother pat. Talking about jay and his skank. ( the fiance who wears my ring) .. Y does it seem everyone wants to talk about it with me. i feel like if i dont talk about it or think about it .. it will just go away.. wont it.... the sting of this is so fresh burns like lemon juice on a cut. and i still cant pin point the reason or reasons y. i left him remember.. and it was the right choice.. i know.. but i hate that im suffering.. more financially than anything but still im the one who got an extra kid, changed my life and now im struggling to just put gas in my car to make it to the job that keeps me going. If i didnt have this job and these two ladies ;) to talk to i dunno what i would do. But still i feel like im poor pittiful me but then again im like well hell look around liz.. shits just not savvy. I havent had to struggle in so long all i can do is blame jay. i feel like im damaged and think constantly were going to lose our house and then what. what happens from there. like do i have no stability for my kids.. am i one of those moms.. i just step back and look at things like, look what u have done to your life and these kids. im trying so hard to pick up and move on.. and be positive but.. i just feel like im sinking further and further and talking myself into a fictious mindset that everything is going to be ok. I have found myself broken down crying on my knees more in this past week than i have in the past 5 or maybe 6 years. maybe longer. So maybe god has let me get so far down that im realizing i need him to bring me back up. ive tried doing things my way for the past 25 years maybe hes telling me time to let him be the author of this story?

My Backstory

2011-08-09T09:41:00.000-07:00

Its been a long walk to get where I am. Im a mother to two amazing little boys Trevor who will be 4 in October, and Hudson who will be 3 months old on the 11^th. These two heartbeats are the reason I get up every morning and drag myself to the obligations chosen in my life. So heres my backstory. Trevors dad and I were together for almost 4 years when I got pregnant, before I had found out we were expecting we had agreed to separate and see other people neither of us were happy and both our lives were going in different directions than the others. I was trying to build towards a future and he was content just “getting by”. Part of my pregnancy I had moved in with my mom and decided I would stay there until Michael ( Trevors dad) could get on his feet and get us a house. Now Michael already has 2 kids at this point and im pregnant with his 3^rd, you would think that he would’ve already had his ducks in a row. When I was 7 months pregnant he did get us a very nice apt. that I absotutley adored and I decided I would move back in with him and we would work on things considering we were fixing to be bringing a baby into this world. In July of 07 we moved , Oct. 18-2007 we met our beautiful son Trevor Lawson he came into this world so beautiful innocent and perfect. Little did I know that little boy would one day b the power behind my drive. By January 08 I was already moving into my own place, while working full time and attending school full time. I moved into an apt. with my best friend and her little girl who was 6 months older than Trevor which made us me 21 with a 3 month old and her 22 with a 9 month old in a 2 bedroom apt. and looking back that was the best time of my life. Michael and I split and eventually found some common ground with our son. To this day he and I still somewhat get along. Except the fact that he refuses to stay current with his child support he hasn’t consecutively paid child support ever and is still not stable as far as his home life, home, and or girlfriends. His current girlfriend I will mention later is 7 months pregnant with her 3^rd kid and his 4^th. Trevor and I lived with my best friend and her daughter for the next 2 years until I moved into my own place just me and Trevor. I was doing so great at my job I had even exceeded my expectations despite the constant stress and the fact that I hated walking thru that door everyday. We lived there for about 6 months until I met that man that changed my life. In june of 2010 I met the man who changed my world forever. I had met him online thru a dating site and he seemed to be so sweet and charming and just what I had wanted my whole life. He was very comfortable financially and good with Trevor was willing to move closer to me. Etc.. We dated briefly then he decided we should combine our lives because we were never apart anyway so we did I moved all my stuff into an apartment with him and we began living as a family just what I had always wanted for myself and Trevor. Life was good. At that point I had flown to Boston for business and when I got back I was shocked to find him at our apt. rose petals everywhere and him on one knee asking me to be his wife. Could this be true? This fairytale life I have always wanted? Of course I said yes to begin living my dream. Soon after he had said I could quit my job where I was that the stress was unnecessary considering we didn’t have to have the money and maybe I could stay home for a while with Trevor. Again something I have never been able to do. We had decided we were going to marry in June 2011. In August 2010 I discovered 2 pink lines on a pregnancy test, now we were not preventing this, but we weren’t planning it either. So that would’ve put me due in May 2011 and I knew I was not going to be in any shape to have a wedding one month after a baby. So we pushed it back to sept 18^th. 2011. In the meantime with a baby coming he thought we should move into a bigger house so we did a 5 bedroom house closer to my family. Right after the move his work schedule got changed to him being gone 2 weeks home for one. I found myself, Bored, sick, stuck at home, with a toddler pregnant in a huge creepy house. More and more we began to argue because our lives had changed so much I couldn’t drink or party anymore. I didn’t feel good I didn’t feel fun. Everything about me and us was different. After Christmas that year we decided to move into a different house in a small town a good nice neighborhood where I would feel safe with the kids while he was away. I had fallen in love again with life at this point I was feeling better. Although the arguing hadn’t stopped other things were looking up like the end of my preg. And the birth of our son. O wait let me back up. The drinking the thing with him. This had at this point become a huge problem we fought about it constantly, it got the point he was in my face pushing me ( im big and preggo ) and in his drunken stuper falls on my Trevor and breaks his leg. After that he agreed to see a counselor every 2 weeks and quit drinking. Me being 6 months pregnant broke jobless with a 3 year old.. What was my other option other than to stay. I agreed to stay as long as drinking was no longer apart of our lives. Things got a little better. TILL.. his little sister starts dating Trevors dad.. Moves in with him a week after she meets him on facebook and bam then gets preg. Now lets keep in mind hes 30, shes not even 21 at this point and is still married and is now preg with her 3^rd kid and his 4^th. So now Trevor has a half brother/sister on the the way and also a step cousin.. wow.. im just so disgusted by all this also keep in mind Michael hasn’t paid child support in all three years for the fact he cant afford it and is now having another baby with a girl who if fully aware of the situation. This begins to cause more problems between me and my fiancé. I cant even begin to put all the little things in here but if u have ever been in an emotionally abusive realonship u can relate. Theres no respect anymore, Love is gone. Now its just to the point of tolerating because there is no way out at this point. Well eventually May rolls around and we meet our son Hudson Kors. He was the 2^nd and final miracle in my life. An absotutley beautiful baby 7’11oz of perfection. He looked just like his dad and the way he lit up just blew me away as he held our son. Those few days in the hospital took me right back to falling in love with him again could it be the man I feel in love with was back. My fairytale back on track? We went home a few days later and this man was so wonderful to me caring for me and our son while being the dad Michael wouldn’t be to Trevor. Life was good. That ended shortly after. As soon as I was able to get moving again it was ok bam time for sex again , its all about me again. Lets go out lets get drunk etc… me coming back as a new mom again these were the last things on my mind as this is not even 6 weeks after our son was born and im still recovering from a c-section. Eventually I give in and do things his way again, its just easier that way than arguing all the time. Later on things got a lot worse.. I suspected drinking but no way to prove it.. no usage of the bank card at a beer store, no cans, no smell.. maybe it was me.. But as it got worse now every time he was angry with me which was more often than not I would find myself kicked out, no phone, no money with 2 kids. Then he would come to his senses beg me back and I would come home. I knew this cycle had to end. Each time he did this to me I went to my best friend Amy. She was always there to pick up the pieces for me and help me try to “make a plan”. Now this is part two of my story. When I met amy she was going thru a divorce a hard divorce. After a while I met her ex husband brandin after the point that they were on friendship status again. After being around him he had begun to ask amy about me ( yes they r that kind of ex’s lol ) shes suggest to me about dating him ( now all this happens way before I was pregnant etc..) we dated a few times and I had found myself very fond of this man. Well that came to an end as well he had been in a prior realonship before he met me and decided he would try to make things work with her, and that was fine by me I was a little crushed but later I met jay.. Who was again supposed to be my fairytale. Now back to the story. Amy linked me back in with Brandin who was again single and living alone and let him know what I was going thru. He opened his home and his heart to me and my kids. Without question or judgement it was im always here if u need me liz. . Each time I went back to Jay and he broke my heart and then threw me out again brandin was there. This viscious cycle continued for a while until I couldn’t take it anymore and I decided I was moving in with Brandin. He wanted me there and I wanted to be there. So I did. I told jay it was over and I was gone. He agreed it was time etc.. Well little did I know that to make me mad, he would go on facebook find my most hated enemy look her up take her out and move her into our house 5 days later. Now she still lives there wears my engangment ring and her kids call Jay daddy. I have his son that he has no part of , pays no child support on and he does not see. Brandin stepped up to the plate loves my kids like they are his own and one days hopes to adopt Hudson. I only left jay on June 18^th 2011. The sting is very much there of the things he has done. But it has also driven me back to where I was before he met me last year. Im working on rebuilding my life for me and my kids. To put us up somewhere no one can ever hurt or disappoint any of us again. Im making 9.00 an hour at a sometimes part time sometimes full time job driving close to an hour and a half to work and barely making ends meet. Actually ends are not meeting at all. Im late on all my bills for lack of funds. Etc.. But im praising god for the fact that we made it out of a terrible situation and were placed in a new and safe one. I remember standing in my shower the last time I went back to jay and crying saying “please god, I don’t know how to get out of this or what to do”. A week later I started this job, 2 weeks later Brandin told me to move in. He is an awesome god and im thankful he loves me. Im still trying to iron out the details in my life and plan to keep updating to fill u in on things as they unravel. Trevor is starting head start in 2 weeks and its something im very excited to start its going to be something good and stable for us both. Hudson in the mean time is staying with my sister in law for now until I can try to get enough money to pay child care services back for the time I was with jay and he led me to believe things were taken care of. I don’t know day to day whats going to happen how im going to make things work or where the moneys gonna come from but all I know Is I have found myself on my knees more than ever these days praying for understanding and peace in my heart on all things good and bad in my heart. Praying for his plans for me and that we don’t end up any worse than we are now. my cars almost 2, groceries are slim to none. We may not have it all, but we have eachother and that’s what matters. God is good and I know the only place to go from here is up. I can say I did learn when things are to hard to stand, kneel. I still don’t know whats gonna happen but I have a sense of peace that im not in control and things are going to work out. Thanks for listening.

Love always.. A DETERMINED MOM