BABBLE BABBLE BIT** BIT**

Babble Babble.

So today I would like to just bitch slap myself. Y?? I dunno I woke up rested.. could’ve slept longer but who couldn’t have when u have to get up to go to work.. pretty sure more than half the world wishes for another 30 mins or an hour to sleep in every morning. I sure wouldn’t mind coming to work at ten every day lol. Im kinda just like in this funk. Any little thing is about to set me over the edge into bawl bag city. Emotions.. like crazy. Things in my life are good I have a lot to be thankful for. My kids, My job, the fact that even tho money is tight my bills are paid me and my kids have food to eat. This is what is running thru my mind. One im sick of cleaning house and doin laundry everyday and if I don’t then its just piled up. I know this is petty but whatever this is my blog. Second im frustrated with being a single mom , sometimes I just need an extra set of hands. Someone to hold Hudson while I clean up or get dinner ready or bathe them or help me pack lunches or get them to bed or sit with them while I run to walmart for necessities. I guess some how some way this is going to make me a better person.. Right? Teaching me stronger skills than I have now.. Next I have T ball- so exciting right.. RIGHT im excited but then again here I am thinking how great this is going to be trying to entertain Hudson while trying to watch trevor play. And then knowing well be changing our routine. But again ill adapt I kno. And to top everything off ( baby daddy ) texts me maybe trying to open the door for me to miss him. YYYYYYY!!!!! Im not in love with him. NO.. But im telling you I sure miss feeling like someone would protect me keep me and my kids safe and knowing that we are a priority for him. Someone to help me be a good parent. Our reaslonship was not good no sugar ontop that cake. Let me clear this up too. I am totally in love wit my boyfriend hes amazing and I love him dearly. There are things I wish he would do differently. But the things I miss are things that I really dunno how to approach or maybe I shouldn’t expect from him. Like helping with the kids. I wish he was excited like me for Trevor to start t ball. Or all he new stuff Hudson is doing. How can u ask a man who has 3 kids pulling for his attention to love mine. Not that he dosent love my kids he would do anything for us im confident in that but hes just not involved as in playing with them etc.. HE dosent have the realonship/Bond I wish he did with them. So I feel like I wana say something to him but maybe he is giving all hes got. I have learned and am still learning how to deal with a man like him. Not tootin my own horn here cause this is not necessarly a good thing ( obvisouly ) but Ive never had to work for a man like I do him. Maybe that’s what I llike? Hes not submissive to me at all. Which I do respect. He dosent do things my way ( hardly ever unless u ask him ). For example: last night.. bad storms came thru, he told me he may come stay with me. Later I text him told him I wanted him too cause I hate being alone if  the lights go out. He called we talked a few mins. But he decided to stay home he was exhausted ( which im sure he was he stayed at the rig the night before ) I just said ok babe good night I love you. But in my mind I was thinking hell show up he knows that I don’t wanna be alone. (WRONG) I knew he wouldn’t cause hes not that kinda guy he dosent act on surprise when it comes to me. I have never had anyone that dosent do things like that to or for me. Now don’t get this wrong I do things for him im not just some spoiled selfish girl that does not give and only expects results. BUT I do keep the house mainitained at his house including laundry, picking up, cleaning up his messes after dinner ( days later) etc. I try constantly to make him happy theres nothing I wouldn’t do for him. I text him to let him know he is on my mind. ( but not often) cause he dosent like to be “bothered “ for lack of a better word. He asked me to move in with him. I declined due to I wana be sure. NOW I feel like July would be a good idea considering Trevor will start school in august. BUT he says he wants to wait four years. I never know when to believe if hes joking or serious. ( this happens a lot) he speaks a lot before he thinks. And can build u up and knock you down in the same sentence. Where am I going wrong with him.. Am I unreasonable to wanna talk about all the things ive done in my day and wanna hear about everything he squeezed into his. Im a little frustrated. ( does that show????) is he trying his best and im being childish and ridicoulous or is he being inconsiderate and selfish. Ugh…. Anyways wanna be done talking about that shit. Next lets move on to Michael Trevors daddy I cant stand his stupid ass. And his ignorant childish immature girlfriend. ( not that im surprised of her type for Michael ) he loves young girls thinking they wont see thru his errors in life. He is a project that cannot be perfected. I tried. He found my ex jay ( Hudsons dads little sister) on fb. Not intentionally but nevertheless. And got her pregg now they have a baby. Trevor was very very very close to Jay and when we split up it tore him apart. He stills asks or talks about jay daily. Apparently Michael told him jay was his uncle.. WTF?? Bridget ( Michaels 3^rd baby mama) is jays little sister but hellloo Trevor is 4 he cant process that. He knows jay is hudsons daddy y couldn’t they have just left it at that. So I got to tell him what an idiot he was this morning so I had it out with him all before 8 am. IF I was ignorant like he is and vindictive and didn’t care about my childs well being ( I would tell him to call Bridget ( Michaels gf ) AUNT BRIDGET). LOL yea that made me laugh out loud. Sometimes I feel so much anxiety I could just ripp off heads and let them roll. BUT Y.. whats so bad… I guess its just my mood. Im kinda panicing about my financial situation ( knowing I will figure it out ) BUT I went from getting a 500 month bonus to that ended so picked up a 2^nd job covering that 500 and now lost that so im broke. Im going on a much needed vacation and don’t know how the hell im going to spread money so thin to finish paying for it and then have money to go and ontop of that getting a set schedule with money around here is probably not in the future as far as a raise or bonus goes because eveyrhing in that world is constant chaos. So humph..  next im pissed ive been so lazy and not gone to the gym im gonna get an even bigger gut and ass. The trainer ( who I also wont be able to afford much longer ) kicks my ass and I can barely walk good thing yes yes yes yes I know but damn y couldn’t I just be skinny with a kick ass metabolism who works out to maintain instead of having to eat like a rabbit and work like a horse. UGH… ALL IN ALL TODAY I THINK I MAY FEEL LIKE IM SPINNING MY WHEELS IN EVERY ASPECT IN MY LIFE. I think ill have a big chocolate cake with ice cream and dip cookies in it! Shit! With the boyfriend am I expecting him to be like JAY? MAYBE IM AN IDIOT and still want JAY? OR Maybe it’s the fact that I wish hud had a daddy to enjoy watching him grow up with me. OR Maybe the BF should just put a little more interest in my kids. Maybe just maybe I need to STFU and stop bitching.. OK I guess im done.

Sincerely

A bitchy mom